And a life goes on. Getting thiner from the most proper place,
I want autopsy for this love, It can’t come to end by itself,
Mom: Keep a secret; that I am playing alive role well,
Sadness; to realize the gardens of her;
Not for your flowers
And
To say you;
To you is
So sad.
You can be in a relationship, you can’t love but you can’t give up.
You can be in a situation that you have a deep connection with her.
She can be the partner of the best times on your life. And the worst.
She can be the reason of your deep breaths, your articles. Your conversations.
She can be your tears and your laughs in your subconscious
A shelter; you hide when you afraid. A flag which you kiss; when you are happy.
Your love is without profit, response. Unlimited
One day, you realize something is bleeding.
Daggers of passionate desires become shining.
You become criticize her life, her being.
You start to find a way to live together while you both free.
Your love is not famous anymore.
You had a conversations with your friends: What is changed ?
From your subconscious; Riots appear.
You know It can’t continue like that, pray to the god that please she changed.
And the world which once upon a time; shining with her smile. Turns to a nightmare.
She closed her heart’s doors.
You try to convince yourself that all I made was to just for her happiness.
You know you can’t go on if It’s over. But you know; It’s not possible like that.
Then It become an end.
Then “ok then” times start.
She moved on when you love like that. She choosed other people.
She doesn’t know your preciousity. Then you say “ok then”
While you are screwing this rewardless love, you try go aways.
Immigration starts.
You try to find new free places. New ports for yourself.
But you don’t forget, you took a seat and start to watch; what is going on around her?
She is covered with daemonical, bad people. “As you think” You realized.
She likes them, live with them, praise them. Praised with them.
You thought, “It’s her choice”
But then the songs which you listen together, like together, a smiliar smile, a girl on the street who is looking like her. Remembered her to you. A smiliar smell…
With people, between new laughs. You told about her. You cry.
You miss her smell, sing her song, want eat her meal which is prepared by her, way of being her.
From another part of the world, everynight you went to your bed with a soul full of her love.
Pray to the good that she hears this.
You want to turn around and shout. I still love you.
You can’t turn.
Day by day, you can’t see, you love more. Day by day, you get far; you become tied.
You understand it’s helpless love. It’s not possible without and with her.
A passion to die in her arms and a suspicion in your mind. And so what ?
And you don’t know what to do.
Creeping like that… Like that
Who is guilty. A god? You? She? Destiny?
Nobody.
Where is her white hands. Surely;
Not with you…
Rolling cigarettes are cool. We bought 3 days ago with my friend Batın. We bought paper, expensive tobacco, filter and little useful machine for rolling it appropriate. It’s cheaper than the normal cigarette and it doesn’t know finish. You may know, cigarettes have powder lines on them and even you don’t smoke it’s finishing by itself. So we don’t have this problem for now. And I don’t have money. Yeah world, I don’t have money. Are you plesaed now ?
Second semester started. Lessons, some projects and exams twice. My problem is, I can’t go to school. I don’t like the lectures. Actually I don’t want to study. If I have a little bit power, I don’t spend one minute in my university. But It’s hard for sure. Just 1 year left If I don’t count next 3 months. That’s why I couldn’t give up. All I do is just waiting for fucking time pass. I am careless about the success. Just let it pass and I will rest.
Yea I am counting the days. Sleep late, couldn’t wake up. Seeing weird dreams. Sleeping 12 hours. Don’t eat good. Smoke good. I am a puppet of my heart, people are having fun. Celebrating. One more day is; more 24 hours to be finished. I get sick to see the sky is shining and I am still in front of my computer. Obviously, I am not in understanding of people; how they stand for that boring life so well. They smile, laugh, enjoy, going, meeting, kissing, holding each other hands. Sometimes I found myself looking at a mirror; for minutes and think nothing.
People are saying. It will pass. I want to ask what’s to pass ? There is nothing to pass. There is no need to behave the way I don’t want. People say; you are like a ghost. I want to ask have you ever seen a ghost my dear ? People say; respond. Is the thing you say; respondable ? Am I need to smile. Do I need to continue to my hilarious image: “a funny guy.” Sorry people, I quit. But quit from what ? If I know I will not go to hell, If I suicide. I will begin to think. Being Atheist is good. I don’t have control on my body and a life. It’s prohibited.
Anyway, I like the most the mornings. Because my iced face is in cover. Because of morning anger and sleepy faces all around me in the bus hide me from being different. Nobody think; what’s that guy’s problem. I am lucky nobody is happy in the morning.
I like some people. Some people say; you have a problem, let’s smoke. I like them. I don’t like some people, they see me, they act well. Sometimes; people just need silence and being alone. I like people who just understand you in the first sight. I don’t need to play near them.
Tomorrow is an exam. Erasmus Internship. at 14:00. Luckily, Because I am not sure, I can wake up If It’s in the morning. If I pass. Nothing. We have to find companies by ourselves. Nobody accept. I am tired of this. I will go to my summer house and live there for 3 months. Swim everyday. Fuck them. That’s life.
He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.
Hi. 28 days have passed from my last entry. And 45 days have passed that I promised myself to write here everyday. It means I can’t do something continously even I promised to myself and mostly the promises are which given to myself are most breakable as I see. And 1 month passed that I invite Metin to a challenge. But It seems he didn’t accept. Ok.
As we looked that 28 days. So much things happened. The world is becoming to change incredibly fast. It’s hard to catch it as I want. It become complicated to be an updated to all news, challenges and conflict of the life. Life is hard. To live healthy is hard. To have an appetite to the challenges are hard. But the things are handling somehow. Anyway.
Last one month passed with resting. I gave all the exams and learn how to ski. I feel myself quite ok on it. I think I will continue but I am not sure, ok It’s exciting and can keep you fit. But It lost it’s shine in the first time. We’ll see…
On the world, the most popular topic is what’s happening in the Middle East. As you already knew; Tunisia and Egypt presidents run away from their country. Civilization wants it. It’s the same civilization which keep them on their luxury leather chairs for long times. Everything is going to be finished. Appetites, Money, Power, Love, Presidental Palaces. If you don’t see what’s going to be happen and If you close your eyes to the innovations and your people needs. All you got it; went to your summer house with 40 billion Euros. It doesn’t seem so bad. But chair is a chair. Power is power. Nobody wants to loose it.
The most funny story is from Tunisia. About Zine el-Abidine Ben Ali who is the ex-president of the country. His wife is belong to the family which is the strongest and the richest of Tunisia. And this women is the person who is ruling the country by the in front face of her husband. And sources say; when they are leaving the country; she said to her husband: “Come here quickly; dumbass!” 
And that poor man is tried to be in rush. So what we learn? It doesn’t mean that you have the power; even you ruled the country for 23 years. Sometimes pussy owners are womanize, paralyze and “monetize” you. Or whatever. You just lost the country and your lovely wife is shouting at you. It’s cool.
And Egypt. Hosni Mubarek. Tahrir Square. The things happened there is also extraordinary and also represent the changing of the main structures. “Nowadays” even revulations are organizing by social networks. One young boy organize people from Facebook and burn the fuse. You have to know the progress so It’s another entries subject.
And this 2 men. Zine el-Abidine Ben Ali and Hosni Mubarek. Rumours are saying that they are ill. They’re in coma. What a love to their country. They don’t want to give to nobody. Even civilization wants it. They’re in love trouble like me I can say. But They have to their country and they are old people so they are ill. Mine is poorer near them.
About my education. It’s quite good. I have goals to do. Erasmus Exam is infront of me. If I made good point on it. The university will help me to find an internship. If not, I have to find myself. And; I am in AIESEC database. I am searching for suitable TN (companies) But probably, I will be somewhere eastern in this summer. Highly, in India.
And next year, I will try to study in İstanbul University. By Farabi Programme. Turkish Erasmus I can say.
And next year, I will pass TOEFL and GMAT. I have three country which is on my head. Germany, Spain and Czech Republic. Maybe France. I am beggining to learn French.
Now playing: Finch – Perfection Through Silence.
and enjoy him dying. 
